FetLife Harassment Isn’t Rare—It’s Ignored
CareTaker’s Note: This is a guest submission from a longtime FetLife user. Some identifying details have been changed for safety.
A community member recently asked a very interesting question. Other places have harassment policies. So why doesn’t FetLife?
The response they received was equal parts troubling and unsurprising — as are the consequences of the platform’s refusal to address FetLife harassment in any meaningful or public way.
Longtime users report that FetLife harassment has been rampant since the site’s earliest days… and many believe it has only gotten worse over time.
Protecting community members from harassing behaviour isn’t just standard practice. It’s table stakes. Nearly every major social network mentions harassment in their terms of use — if only to shield themselves from liability:
Facebook’s Harassment Policy:
We allow you to speak freely on matters and people of public interest, but remove content that appears to purposefully target private individuals with the intention of degrading or shaming them.
Twitter / X’s Harassment Policy:
To facilitate healthy dialogue on the platform, and empower individuals to express diverse opinions and beliefs, we prohibit behavior and content that harasses, shames, or degrades others.
BlueSky’s Harassment Policy:
Treat others with respect. For example, no:
1. Harassment or abuse directed at a specific person or group, including but not limited to, sexual harassment and gender identity-based harassment
TikTok’s Harassment Policy:
We welcome the respectful expression of different viewpoints, and want to ensure that anyone can share their voice without the fear of being degraded or bullied. We do not allow harassing, degrading, or bullying statements or behavior. This includes responding to such acts with retaliatory harassment.
Reddit’s Harassment Policy:
We do not tolerate the harassment, threatening, or bullying of people on our site; nor do we tolerate communities dedicated to this behavior.
Reddit is a place for conversation, and in that context, we define this behavior as anything that works to shut someone out of the conversation through intimidation or abuse, online or off.
Even Rival Submit has a Harassment Policy - Here’s the Summary:
We take a firm stance against any form of harassment, bullying, or abuse — whether it’s done directly or by urging others to engage in harmful behavior. The following actions are examples of what we consider unacceptable:
Launching personal attacks on individuals
Coordinating or encouraging others to flood or disrupt posts in a way that becomes abusive
Repeatedly targeting or shadowing another user around the site in a way that feels threatening
Jumping into conversations in bad faith to provoke or derail meaningful discussion
Using alternate accounts to dodge moderation or blocks put in place by users or site staff
Where’s the FetLife Harassment Policy?
🦗🦗🦗
They don’t have one.
And yes, I checked.
Only a vague mention in the social network’s Terms of Use:
You agree that, while using BitLove's Products and Services, you will not:
Personally attack, make fun of, troll, flame, bully, stalk or otherwise harass another member.
But no clear definition, nothing in the Content Guidelines, and no transparent enforcement process. Worse still? What little they do say about FetLife harassment isn’t consistently upheld.
Let me give you a personal example:
June 2, 2025: Reporting Clear Harassment on FetLife
Recently, a user found their way into my comment section on a post about Pride Month. While I was offline, they stirred the pot with several of my followers in a deliberately trollish fashion.
When I returned, I told him plainly: “No further responses by you are needed or wanted.”
He then replied TWENTY-SEVEN TIMES in under an hour, mostly with some variation of “Ditto” or quoting my own boundary back at me. I screenshot every one, then deleted them as they came in. Eventually, I restricted comments to friends only.
He then began messaging my followers in DMs. (Mine were already locked down.)
I reported him via email to FetLife Caretaking and attached all 27 screenshots. Here’s part of what I wrote:
“This user trolls for the sake of trolling… after being told his responses were not wanted, he attempted to comment 27 more times. After I restricted commenting, he started messaging other commenters. This is not a misunderstanding. This is targeted harassment.”
FetLife never responded. Not a ticket number. Not a warning message. Nothing.
When I went to check the user’s profile, he was blocked… but not by me. FetLife had quietly placed a block between us with no notice or follow-up. Not even a note acknowledging the report.
That user has gone on to harass others. Just like he did before me. Just like he continues to do.
May 10, 2025: Advocating for a FetLife Harassment Policy
Weeks before the “27 comment” incident, I had already reached out to Caretaking, Support, Legal… even cc’d John Baku, regarding a different user entirely who had engaged in years of repeat harassment across FetLife.
Here’s part of what I wrote:
“Is there currently no policy in place for when a user persistently harasses others, or, more concerningly, when one individual engages in widespread, ongoing harassment across the platform?”
That other user:
Repeatedly posted unwanted comments
Sent unsolicited messages, often escalating when ignored
Engaged in hostile, circular arguments
Used insulting or xenophobic language when corrected or blocked
This wasn’t a misunderstanding. This was a clear, observable pattern. One that had been reported by many, many others.
I asked for two things:
A clearly defined harassment policy
A “report for education” option for users who repeatedly overstep boundaries, even if they avoid slurs or explicit threats
FetLife’s Response?
“While we don’t have a standalone harassment policy, we do look into patterns of unwanted or aggressive behavior, not just one-off incidents. Members can report for any reason, and tools like blocking and FetLife Restraining Orders are there for ongoing issues.
We appreciate your suggestions about clearer policies and education options—I've passed them along to the team.”
Translation: FetLife harassment is handled ad hoc—if it’s handled at all.
What Would a FetLife Harassment Policy Do?
A clear harassment policy would:
Support consistent moderation
Protect users from repeat targeting
Give caretakers a playbook instead of guesswork
Stop repeat offenders before they become serial problems
Set expectations for behaviour
This isn’t about banning debate. It’s about stopping targeted abuse.
It doesn’t require a tech overhaul. Just a short policy. A reporting checkbox. And a willingness to prioritize user safety.
So Why Won’t They Implement One?
We're not talking about thousands of cases. But when FetLife harassment happens, it’s severe, targeted, and deeply damaging.
Other platforms have figured this out. They put policies in place to support users and protect communities. So what’s FetLife’s excuse?
Honestly? They haven’t said.
But that silence speaks volumes.
We deserve better. And we’re going to keep asking for it—until the rot gets scraped clean.
